


Motion : DENIED

by TazWren



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Courtroom Drama, Custody Battle, Divorce, F/M, Holdo is NOT happy, Idiot Lawyers, Idiot Plaintiffs, M/M, Modern AU, Poor Dopheld Mitaka, Reylo - Freeform, SwoloFic, There be cats, This is a Farce, lawyer AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-21 09:50:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17041481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TazWren/pseuds/TazWren
Summary: A prolonged feline custody battle, as a part of an acrimonious divorce, meets an unexpected end.





	Motion : DENIED

**Author's Note:**

> This is a farcical extrapolation of a real court order issued by a real district judge. Indulge me with your willing suspension of disbelief!

 

 

 

****

**Motion : DENIED - A Farce in 3 Acts**

**(Working Title: The Case of the Custody of the Cats)**

 

 

 **DRAMATIS PERSONAE** (In order of appearance)

 

                **Dopheld** **Mitaka-**  A County Court Clerk   

 **Amilyn Holdo**  - A County Court Judge (presiding), and long-time baby sitter for the Solo household

               **Ben Solo** \- A lawyer. Long-time baby-sittee of the Judge.

               **Rey Johnson** \- A lawyer

               **Poe Dameron** \- First Plaintiff in a divorce case. Rey Johnson's client

               **Armitage Hux** \- Second Plaintiff in a divorce case. Ben Solo's client

               **BB8** \- An expensive cat, Orange Kurilian Bobtail 

 **9E** \- Another expensive cat, Charcoal-grey British Shorthair

 **Bailiff** \- A Country Court Bailiff

 

 

** ACT I - SCENE I **

 

 **Scene:** Inside the County Courthouse. Clerk's desk is Stage Left, upstage. Behind the desk a half open door, midstage, with the name 'Judge Holdo' on it. Stage right, upstage, another door, closed.

 

_(Mitaka walks in from the door stage right, closing it behind him, as he peruses the papers in his hand, a frown on his face. He walks over to the desk, lays the papers down, still frowning and lowers himself into the seat slowly as he continues to read)_

 

 **MITAKA:** _(muttering to himself)_ I can't believe they asked her for an extension. Again. _(Shakes his head)_

 

_(Door behind Mitaka slams opens, startling him. He jerks up and turns towards it, blanching as a furious-looking Holdo strides out)_

 

 **HOLDO:** Did Solo come in yet? I swear, if I hadn't baby-sat that big fool I would slap him with contempt. I still might! Get this out to him. Now.

 

_(She slams a document in front of Mitaka and spins on her heel to go back into her chambers, not waiting for an answer. Mitaka miserably clears his throat and holds out the letter he had been reading)_

 

 **MITAKA:** _(nervously)_ Er....Judge, there's been another motion for extension on the Dameron-Hux case. _(Pulls at his tie with the other hand, speaking faster)_...this is from Counsellor Johnson.

 

_(Mitaka shrinks back as Holdo rounds on him, her lilac hair bristling like an enraged cat's. She snatches the letter from Mitaka's grip and quickly scans it, face frowning. She then levels a glare at Mitaka and nods at the document she had placed on his desk)._

 

 **HOLDO:** Make that out to BOTH of them. Damned fools! Idiots! I'll sign it now and you make sure they get it before lunch. I'll be in my chambers and I DO NOT want to see either of them. _(She levels a finger at Mitaka, and after he nods weakly, she exits stage left,  storms back into her chambers, slamming the door shut)._

 

_(Mitaka looks at the document Holdo gave him, miserably, before picking it up to read aloud to himself)_

 

 **MITAKA:** "The Court is in receipt of the Parties' whiny letters. What is wrong with you parties and lawyers? Just stop it. There will be no extension granted on the motion deadline: DON'T ASK. This is my oldest and least favourite case. Please stop trying to become my least favourite lawyers."

 

_(A small smirk grows on Mitaka's face)_

 

 **MITAKA:** "Happy Holidays! "

 

_(He snorts and quirks an eyebrow before continuing to read. His face abruptly falls and he reads silently before looking up and addressing the audience, miserable once more)_

 

 **MITAKA:** "The Clerk shall enter this order and provide a copy to all parties. And make sure you read it." Great, now BOTH of them will want to kill me.

 

_(He turns back, puts fresh paper in the typewriter and starts typing the letter out. Dim stage lights to dark)._

 

 

** ACT I - SCENE II **

 

 **Scene:** Inside the County Courthouse. Clerk's desk is Stage left, upstage. Mitaka is sitting at the desk, typing. Closed door behind him, midstage, with the name behind him. Stage right, upstage, another door, closed.

 

_(Mitaka starts up as the door slams open, stage right. A furious looking Ben strides in, waving a paper crumpled in his fist.)_

 

 **BEN:** What in the blazes is this, Mitaka? She can't make this an order!

 

_(He comes to a halt at the desk and plants his hands on it, looming over the wilting Mitaka. Mitaka pushes his chair back slightly as he stretches away from Ben.)_

 

 **MITAKA:** Look, counsellor, I....She....I am just doing my job. The Judge asked me to type that order up and I did.

 

 **BEN:** Did someone put her up to this? _(He rears back and stabs the paper with a finger. Behind him, he does not notice Rey entering through the open door, stage right.)_ Did Johnson have something to do with this?

 

_(Rey stops abruptly when her name is mentioned)_

 

 **REY:** Just what the hell are you accusing me of Solo?! YOU are the only snake in this deal _(she screws her mouth up in distaste, glaring at him as she crosses her arms and starts to tap her foot)._

 

 **MITAKA:** _(groans and drops his head in his hands)_ Oh God, not again.

 

 **BEN:** _(turning around with an evil smirk)_ You know what they say about offense being the best defense, counsellor. _(He waves the crumpled document at her)_ I assume you've received one of these as well?

 

_(Without waiting for an answer, he walks over and stands toe-to-toe with Rey, glaring down at her)_

 

 **BEN:** What did you do, Johnson? You must have really pushed her buttons to get me dragged into it with you.

 

 **REY:** _(plants fist on her hip and stabs a finger under Ben's nose)_ Wait just a goddamned minute. This is on you, Solo. You and your courtroom tricks and motions to stall the due course of justice! Don't you dare pin this shitshow on me!

 

 **BEN:** Hah! Holdo would never -

 

_(He is interrupted by Mitaka slamming his hands on the desk and jerking out of his seat, before wringing his hands through his hair)_

 

 **MITAKA:** Would you both just STOP?! God! You are BOTH driving the Judge crazy with this constant fighting and bickering and ..and...AND all the motions for extension and ...and....

 

_(He breaks off, breathing hard and levels a desperate look at both of them. Ben and Rey are staring at him dumbfounded)._

 

 **MITAKA:** Look, just....just dial it back, why don't you? She is serious this time. She WILL throw one of you in for a day _(He waves a hand at them miserably)._ And you can't KEEP DOING this!

 

_(Ben turns and raises his hand placatingly, speaking soothingly)_

 

 **BEN:** It's ok, Mitaka, we'll go. I'm sure some of us can be adults and discuss this in a calm manner ....outside! _(he casts a smirk over his shoulder at Rey, who glowers at him)._

 

_(Ben spins around, takes Rey by the elbow and starts leading her to the door)_

 

 **REY:** Hey! Get your paws off of me, Solo! Who do you think you....

 

_(Rey's voice fades as they exit stage right, still raised in anger. Mitaka slumps in his chair and scrubs his hands over his face, wearily before raising his head to look at the audience. Dim stage lights to spotlight Mitaka)._

 

 **MITAKA:** I don't get paid enough for this shit.

 

_(Stage Lights go to dark. Down curtain)_

 

 

** ACT II - SCENE I **

 

 **Scene:** Outside the county courthouse, the back garden. Downstage, trees screening the view from the building windows. Upstage a bench, next to a stone fountain. A few shrubs bisecting the stage.

 

_(Offstage sounds of indecipherable argument and shouting, growing louder)_

 

_(Downstage: Ben Solo and Rey Johnson enter stage right. They are yelling at each other and gesticulating wildly, each shaking a fist of papers)_

 

 **REY:** This is an scumbag move and you know it, Solo!

 

 **BEN:** You can't do shit, Johnson, and YOU know it. Your claim won't stick.

 

 **REY:** _(tone and volume getting louder, angrier)_ I can get you disbarred for this!

 

 **BEN:** _(Scoffing)_ Don't get your panties in a twist, counsellor!

 

 **REY:** _(swatting him on the arm, speaking in a lower, hissing tone)_ Don't talk about my panties, you idiot, someone might hear you!

 

 **BEN:** _(rubbing where she hit him)_ Ow! Hey, this is NOT what I had in mind when I asked if you wanted to get physical. _(Mutters to himself and looks away sulking)_

 

 **REY:** _(Stares at Ben, before looking furtively around her. She grabs his tie and yanks him towards her, while grinning)_ Come here you big lug.

 

_(Ben and Rey kiss passionately, sucking face with abandon)_

 

_(Upstage: Mitaka enters stage left, holding a paper lunch bag, looking down at his phone. He walks up to the bench next to the fountain. He places the bag on the bench, still looking down at the phone, when a sound alerts him and he quickly looks up. He peers around next to him, before stepping out past the fountain. And stops suddenly and stares at Ben and Rey kissing. Mitaka steps back behind the fountain and collapses on the bench, clutching his hair and his phone, eyes screwed shut)_

 

 **MITAKA:** _(Drops hands, opens eyes and looks miserably at the audience)_ I REALLY don't get paid enough for this shit.

 

_(Dim lights downstage. Spotlight on Mitaka who looks down at his phone, sighs and keeps it aside. He picks up the paper bag, removes a sandwich and proceeds to eat. Dim lights upstage, go to dark)._

 

 

** ACT II - SCENE II **

 

 **Scene:** Still the garden behind the courthouse. Lights come on upstage. Ben is leaning against the fountain, which is dry. Rey is sitting on the bench looking up at him.

 

 **REY:** I can't do this much longer Ben. Poe is driving me nuts!

 

 **BEN:** _(pinching the bridge of his nose)_ Yeah, Hux is killing me too. Dammit, why can't they just forget the bloody cats?!

 

_(Ben starts to pace, looking first at the ground and then randomly into the distance in distracted concentration. Rey is frowning off to the right. Ben stops, as thought struck by a thought and quickly spins back around to Rey)._

 

 **BEN:** Wait! I have an idea.....the only thing holding us up now is the custody term. What if we got that off the table?

 

 **REY:** _(Frowns up at Ben)_ How would we do that? BB8 and 9E that are the sticking point of their damned divorce. Now if these were strays instead of expensive purebreds!

 

 **BEN:** _(Squats quickly in front of Rey, his hands on her knees)_ What if NEITHER of them get custody?!

 

_(Rey's expression slowly clears as she breaks into a wide grin)_

 

 **REY:** Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

 

 **BEN:** _(Smirking)_ It's time for some payback....and let's spread some cheer while we are at it!

 

_(His smirk softens into a gentle smile as he gazes up at Rey)_

 

 **BEN:** No one should be alone over the holidays.

 

_(Rey smiles and cups his cheek and nods)_

 

 **REY:** This case might be killing me, but I'm glad I took it.

 

_(Ben nuzzles into Rey's hand and she bends her head down over his. All stage lights dim and go to dark. Drop Curtain)_

 

 

** ACT III - SCENE I **

 

 **Scene:** Inside the Courtroom. Judge's bench mid-stage stage center. Clerk's desk in front of the bench. Both are empty. Upstage right and left are the plaintiffs desks. Closed doors on either side, upstage behind the desks. Downstage, right, closed door.

 

_(Upstage: doors open on either side. Ben and Hux walk in from the right, Rey and Poe walk in from the left. Both parties stalk up to the desks and stop to glare at each other. Hux and Poe sit down each still glaring at the other. Ben and Rey quickly glance down at Hux and Poe respectively before sneaking a glance at each other. This time they are both smiling slightly, before wiping the looks off.)_

 

_(Rey sits down next to Poe and leans in to inaudibly murmur in his ear. Poe breaks eye contact with Hux and turns to listen to Rey instead, his face creasing. Hux sniffs and arrogantly turns away, while Ben busies himself with papers. Stage left Bailiff enters and takes position next to the bench, followed by Mitaka who hurried over to the desk in front of the bench.)_

 

_(Downstage: door opens)_

 

 **BAILIFF:** All rise!

 

_(Holdo enters, goes to bench and settles in, before looking out over at the plaintiffs with a sniff. She nods at the Bailiff)_

 

 **BAILIFF:** Court is now in session. In the case of Dameron.vs.Hux. Honourable Judge Holdo presiding.

 

 **HOLDO:** Alright, let's get this done quickly this morning. I have no patience left. _(She glares at both plaintiffs and their lawyers who have grace to look uncomfortable)._

 

 **BEN:** _(Rising to his feet)_ If I may approach the bench?

 

 **REY:** _(Jumps to her feet, glaring at Ben)_ Me too, your honour! I mean, may I approach the bench?

 

_(Holdo heaves a sigh and irritably beckons them both over)_

 

 **HOLDO:** Come on then, quickly. And this better be good!

 

_(Ben and Rey grab some papers from their desks and hurry over to the bench. An inaudible exchange takes place between the judge and both of them. Ben and Rey are glaring at each other and making angry motions with their hands)._

 

_(This continues for a couple moments while Holdo tries to read. She then slams her hands down and glares over the bench at both Ben and Rey, who break off what they were saying to look at her guiltily.)_

 

 **HOLDO:** ENOUGH! You are THIS close to contempt of court! _(She holds up a hand with thumb and forefinger almost touching)_ Do NOT force my hand! Get back and let me read these in peace! _(Dismisses Ben and Rey with a wave of her hand and bends her head to read again)_

 

_(Ben and Rey exchange another glare before stalking back to their desks and sinking into their seats, still maintaining eye-contact. Ben breaks away when Hux starts whispering furiously. On the other side, Rey quirks her lip and sniffs victoriously before turning to speak to Poe, placing a hand on his shoulder. Ben glances over to see this, a quick answering smile on his face, before he turns back to Hux)_

 

 **HOLDO:** _(Putting the papers down and frowning)_ Are you kidding me with this? Stand up both of you! _(She slashes her hand as Ben and Rey begin to stand)_ No, not you two. YOU! The Plaintiffs!

 

_(Poe and Hux start and slowly rise to their feet in unison, trepidation written on their faces)._

 

 **HOLDO:** What is WRONG with both of you? Are you TRYING to kill these cats?!

 

_(Poe and Hux exchange bewildered glances and start to speak, before Rey and Ben both grab their arms and shush them, nodding at Holdo, seeming to indicate they should just listen. They exchange a quick glance with each other again, as Poe's and Hux's attention remains on Holdo. Ben and Rey smile softly again before assuming blank expressions.)_

 

 **HOLDO:** _(looking down at the papers again and then glaring at Hux)_ Why the hell would you try to feed the cat pineapples?! And you! _(She rounds on Poe)_ Are you kidding me with the Chocolate?! You are both ridiculous, you are not fit to take care of these cats!

 

_(Again Poe and Hux start to exclaim, and again Rey and Ben yank on their arms)_

 

 **HOLDO:** Don't you dare speak! Or I'll toss the lot of you, lawyers and all, in jail for contempt!

 

_(Holdo grabs the gavel and slams it down)_

 

 **HOLDO:** Motion Denied! _(She slams it down again)_ Petition for custody DENIED! _(She points the gavel at both Poe and Hux in turn)_ To BOTH of you. You are both unfit to parent these poor cats! _(She slams the gavel again)_ Petition for Divorce GRANTED. Get out of my courtroom before I regret this! _(She starts to rise when Ben interrupts)_

 

 **BEN:** Your honour! The cats! What will happen to them?!

 

_(Taking a deep breath Holdo glares at him. She then looks around and her eyes light on Mitaka. She smirks, grabs gavel again, points it at Mitaka before slamming it down)_

 

 **HOLDO:** Cats remanded to court, custody of court official Dopheld Mitaka. Case DISMISSED. _(She turns to the Bailiff and then points at Ben)_

 

 **HOLDO:** And I sentence him to.... _(she gives Ben an evil smile)_ 4 hours in jail for contempt of court. Get him out of here!

 

_(Holdo gathers her robes and slams out of the courtroom. Utter silence reigns as everyone stares dumbly at each other and then at Mitaka. Mitaka is sitting with his head in his hands. Bailiff walks over to Ben and puts a hand on his shoulder to lead him away. Ben looks back at Rey and then over at Hux who is sitting dumbfounded, staring at the table. Poe is sitting with a hand on his mouth, staring after Holdo. Rey is looking at Ben. Dim stage lights to dark)_

 

 

** ACT III - SCENE II **

 

 **Scene:** Back garden of the County Courthouse. The light is low, and angled to indicate early evening. Upstage, the fountain, the bench, unoccupied.

 

_(Mitaka enters stage left, two pet carriers in hand. He walks over to the bench and carefully lowers the carriera to the ground before he sits on the bench, and looks first at the cats and then at the audience in bemusement)_

 

 **MITAKA:** Cats. Who'd have thought I would end up with cats? _(He sighs before reaching down and slowly opening the carriers one after the other, scooping BB8 and 9E out, one in each hand)_

 

**_< <Director's note: No stage direction for the cats. Let them do their own damned thing.>>_ **

 

_(As Mitaka is petting the cats, Ben and Rey enter stage right, strolling hand in hand. They approach Mitaka from behind the bench.)_

 

 **REY:** It looks like the case of the custody of the cats closed in the best possible way _(she smiles at Mitaka who turns in surprise, looking between their smiling faces with his mouth open)._

 

 **MITAKA:** Wha.....How.....YOU did this? Both of you?! Together?!

 

_(Ben laughs, sticking his hands in his pockets, Rey grins and tucks her hand into his arm)_

 

 **BEN:** You didn't think we really LOST did you?! _(Ben pauses, before continuing)_ Well, we DID, but on purpose. _(Here he smiled softly down at Rey)_ I think we won, after all.

 

 **REY:** _(Smiling back at Ben before reaching out to lay a hand on Mitaka's shoulder)_ We certainly did. No-one should be alone over the holidays _(Mitaka stares at her, looks down at the cats and then smiles)._

 

_(All turn to face the audience, Ben and Rey lean forward on either side of Mitaka, each resting a hand on the bench next to him. They look at each other in turn and then at the audience, smiling. Dim stage lights to spotlight on the three and the cats)_

 

 **ALL:** Merry Christmas everyone, and Happy Holidays!

 

_(Stage lights dim to dark. Drop curtain)._

 

********

**Author's Note:**

> Big Love
> 
> to Enterprisingly for prompting me to write this,
> 
> to bunilicious for the lovely moodboard and the beta read!
> 
> I hope this is sufficiently mad!


End file.
